HUH?

Ok so here I go, I have always loved reading blogs when people really seem to open up and trust those random people that read them. I have a hard time trusting people with my feelings, with my thoughts, and letting them in. But here I go, I am going to try to get some of this out there, and hopefully it will feel nice.

I wish life could be easy.... da da da doo!! (black eyed peas song) In-fact I kept myself so far away from others in letting them in so I could try to make my life as easy as possible. But yet, humans are smart and they eventually figure you out and that I have problems just like the rest of the world. I love talking to people and helping them solve their personal dilemmas because that means that they trust me and they have something I don't, being able to open up that quickly and so well. I have yet to figure out why I can't trust and open up right up front. I don't want to blame experiences, or past events on who I am because I should be able to over come those. But I do understand that those experiences and events mold me. But why the hell can't I trust people? Is it because of him? or Her? Or both? Then it is my physical part, I hate everything about my body.. yes I said it, but you can say... what woman does love her body? I can't understand how someone can even begin to like me when I am not skinny, or have a pimple here and there. I also know that men HATE that woman think this way, but sorry... there is nothing you can do, we have to fix it ourselves, and we hate that. I always thought that if I just got one man to love me that I shouldn't have any problem with my looks because he loves me... NOPE... haha. Some just call it being lazy, others just don't understand nor do I expect them to.

I am having a harder time with my background foundation than I ever thought I would. I know how blessed I am, I know how good I have it, so why do I still find the time to see the negatives??? If you have the answer please do lighten me. I do know that because I focus my love and attention on others that I let my personal problems get pushed in the corner and they build up, pushed up to the point that I just want to block the world out but still face it with a smile. I want to be known as the girl who brings no pain but joy to others lives, the one that lightens the daily burdens. Yes... how can you help others if you can't help yourself... I get it, I have come along way, I am not as negative on myself as I used to be. I don't hide as much anymore but I don't want to be a burden, and if and when I ever talk about myself I feel guilty cause I took your time to talk.

This is a depressing blog! haha holy cow! There just have been events in my life that have made me push myself harder to be content with myself. Be the best I can, never fail at anything that I didn't have to guts to try. Love like I have never loved before, ya about that! Still trying to live on the edge, and it's a lot harder than I ever thought it would be!!! Maybe I will spill later, but I just don't want to think anymore.

Merry Christmas!!

Thanksgiving

I am sitting in my new office, waiting for it to warm up! I am freezing cold! I had a wonderful relaxing weekend, I know that I needed that time to boost up for this busy week. Finals are coming up and I am going to have to buckle down to study more, and see my boy just a little less. :(
Because I had leisure time, I had time to reflect on my life, still don't know if it is a good thing to get myself thinking. I am trying this new self therapy to be grateful for my life and my body instead of always thinking of my physical flaws.
Lets see, a year ago I was living with Shaela at Parkway in Orem, we were way close, I was still friends with many people that I don't even speak to now days. Jessica, Anthony, Brennan, Travis, Eric, Brad, those are to name a few people. I used to wonder all the time how they are doing, but now I am so happy with my life that it doesn't matter. I now understand myself more because of them, either to know how to approach a situation or how not to. All in all those are people from my past that I will never forget.
I am grateful to have Chad by my side, he is becoming my best friend, I am really starting to trust him with my life stories and ultimately letting him get to know the heart of my life. It's crazy how much we have in common, he seriously knows how to put a smile on my face. His birthday is this Thursday! I am hoping that I can make it a wonderful one, he is going to the New Moon premier with my sisters and I. :D I still am trying to figure out what he sees in me that keeps him wanting to come around more, again another therapy task haha.
Thanksgiving is around the corner and I want to tell you what I am truly grateful for. I love this holiday because I don't know how you can be negative when you think about everything life has given you. I am grateful for:
Family-
My Mother, when she walked me to kindergarten, and helped me move into my first place. Always giving me everything I need, always being the first one to apologize after a argument.
My Father, never failing to give me the exact advice that I need and always letting me know that I am his little girl.
My sister Jessica, when she wrote me a apologizing note about not going to my concert, when I hugged her for the first time in a year in half off her mission. All the bathroom moments, knowing that I am the 'prettier' sister. :)
My Brother Chad, for being the best example on being driven in education, for always being faithful to his religion and what he believes in, and for making me dinner multiple times.
My Brother Chase, for always making me laugh and dancing to the Chipmunk movies, sharing Popsicles in our younger years. For being an amazing young man who knows his standards.
My Brother Dakota, for always giving me a hug when I truly needed one. For always helping me with anything at anytime. For being the cleanest man in the shared bathroom!
My sister Jante, for making movies together, having a contagious laugh, making crafts and goodies with me. For being a beautiful daughter of God.
My Sister Makenzie, for being so smart in every task she takes upon herself, for being a guide and example to her little sister. For her braveness with all her hardships in her life, never forgetting to smile.
My Sister Megan, for all the wonderful hugs and kisses during church, sitting on my lap playing with my hair and giving butterfly kisses. For never forgetting to tell me that she loves me, and making the amazing choice to be baptized.
My Dog Sugar, yes I am grateful for my cutie pie, she has been by my side since I was eight, giving me kisses and letting me know that she loves me. Being there when I don't want to cry in front of anyone.
My Relatives, for always making me excited to see them, the hugs, support, and love.
My Good Friend Emily, for always understanding me, staying by my side through it all, screaming in my Honda, Dancing crazy in my apt. playing phase ten, and going to institute. Helping me appreciate the gospel in more depth.
My Friend Shaela, for being so good to talk to, going to dinner, jumping on the beds, making yummie meals, and sticking it out. Never failing to let people know who she is and that she loves her life.
My Room mates, for always making me laugh!!! Letting me in their lives so quickly, trusting me, and being the sisters I have always wanted! (No par intention)

My Boyfriend Chad, for pushing me to open up my thoughts, sharing my first kiss, treating me with love. Looking at me with respect and care. Always making me laugh, and always making my day more wonderful. For being the amazing, and caring man that he is, for letting me in.

My co-workers, for always giving me a big smile every work day, having wonderful conversations that help me more than they will ever know.
There are many other things that I am so grateful for, but one of the biggest ones is being apart of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It has made me who I am today, and will continue to unfold my life ahead.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Busy Week

There have been some big events happening in my life recently. I seem to smile more, look forward to waking up more, and loving life more. I have wonderful friends, family, co-workers, and now a wonderful boyfriend. Boyfriend is such a generic name, I will call him Chad haha.
My little sister, Megan, is getting baptized this Saturday, she is the youngest in our family, which means this is our last intermediate baptism. I can't tell you how much I love being around my family now. I really have grown a great appreciation for them. I also have amazing friends who have stuck by my side, you know what they say : 'high school friends are nothing compared to college friends.'
I have been having a certain thought on my mind for the past four months, I have prayed about it, asked for advice, and gotten a blessing with my question in mind. Yesterday I finally felt like that going on a mission is in my plan for this life. I was scared that learning a language would be too difficult for myself, but now I have peace knowing that anything is easy when you have the Lord on your side. I had a calling in the past to work with the disabled, and when being set apart I was blessed with the gift of tongues so I could understand those precious children of God. I have seen throughout the years that, that blessing hasn't left.
I have also experienced many new adventures in the past week, Jenny Lynn is now a 'normal person' according to Emily, which means that I have left the VL club. haha Hopefully you will hear more about my Chaddy, but as for now, peace, love, and happiness!