Time will only tell

I don't know what I am feeling right now. I am angry, hurt, frustrated, upset, sad, sorry, mad.... etc.. but I think you get my point. I am a girl who wanted to have some fun in my life, I was always the girl who watched my every step, who made sure everything I did was to avoid the fact of getting hurt. :( But I was sick of hiding my heart, I wanted to know what it felt like to live on the edge, to just have fun and not think, to just enjoy. Well I now realize that I made those walls for a reason, I would rather save the pain and leave the fun behind.
I was convinced to live on the edge and I was ready to try something new, to try to live on the fun side of life and leave the responsible one. I went into a relationship KNOWING that I WOULD get hurt, but I didn't care, I was sick of holding back from letting people in. But in turn, I forgot that I would rather save the pain and leave the fun life behind.
I shared many first experiences with someone I thought cared about me. Someone I thought respected me, and loved me. I was a FOOL, I didn't listen to my gut, and I have been known to live by my gut feelings. Do I regret it? If I did it would only hurt me more. Did he make me happy? He had to of to keep me around. But was I a fool.. yes because only fools let others love them and don't listen to the signs. Will I miss him? I don't want to think about that either, thinking was never good for me.
Do I have hope that I will forget this feeling and try it get hurt again, meaning that I will open my heart again... Not right now I don't. I have lost my trust in everyone again, I wrote a blog just a couple weeks ago about trust, I was willing to try trusting again, but yet again, I have been kicked in the butt as to why I don't trust anyone. I don't lean on anyone but my Heavenly Father, sure you can give me advice, and yes I might use it, but not only till I know for myself that it is the advice I trust, not the person.
Did I have fun, of course, I cannot ever forget the first man I ever kissed, the first one of many things. I just hope one day to find someone who knows how to take care of my heart. Someone who wont let me down. Then maybe I can trust again, but until now, trust is not in my vocab.
Happy News Years.... Another year being single and loving it! I am stronger on my own, I can be in control!

Christmas/Birthday/20!?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
I have learned that life is hard! haha whether it be through work, school, or relationships, it is always going to be hard no matter what. But with past experiences and loved ones at my side I have learned that you cannot change the situation no matter how much you wish you could, but you can change yourself. Only I make the decisions that lead my life on the correct path, only I know how to put my two feet forward into action. But these actions can be the hardest thing at that moment in time, I hate having to put my two feet forward sometimes. But what would a roller coaster be like if you didn't have to stand in line for an hour while the whole time you were scared.
I know that I made the correct decision to come here to this earth, I just hope that I can continue to make the correct decisions with God's help. But I am so thankful for the Holy Ghost, I secretly hate the fact that He is always correct, that He does lead me and guide me to make the right choice. I feel so content and dis-content at the same time, I want to cry a river, but I also just want to shove everything in a box and take the trash out and do nothing less with it.
I now know what it feels like to be the given the countless advice, but I now know the whole picture, feel the whole story, love the man. Anyway.. I have a lot to think about, but I also have time to think.
I am now 20! I never thought that I would make it to being this old! My brother the other day called me an 'old fart'! I have never been called that till now! Not cool if you ask me! lol I had a wonderful birthday :) Chad took me to Salt Lake to eat at Christopher's, I was so excited because I got to use my prom dress again. Then we walked around temple square and looked at the lights. He gave me my 'J' necklace at Ensign Park out looking the Salt Lake valley, which was breath taking. He also made me breakfast in bed, and bought me flowers. My family gave me a birthday dinner which was amazing! I love my family so much and am so grateful for them.
I am excited for Christmas! Time to take a break from everything, my life feels like a roller coaster and it needs to slow down so I can get off. Just glad to be home, when I go back to Provo I will have two new room mates! I pray that we will get along.
All is fair in love and war... true? :) I do know that love cannot solve everything, though I wish it could.