Happiness Does Come Back

UPDATE!! I am currently in school still, going to get my associates this year! YAY! I wish I could just go straight to my bachelors but I also know that I want to leave on a mission with a fresh cut, not having to worry about credits and what not. I have thought a lot about my mission, I feel like sometimes I have been using it as an excuse for my relationships. I know that I still would love to go and when the day comes and I don't have a man by my side, I will serve the Lord. I do not want to loose out on opportunities because I am trying to focus on a mission.
A lot of crying has happened the past week or so, but I am glad to say that I have stopped the crying! I am very happy that I made many personal decisions in the past so I already know what to do now. A mission has a lot to do with that, a have learned that the foundations of a family are incredibly important, I will not enter a marriage with out a good background on both of our parts. I have learned that love makes you do things you never thought you would, some days I love it, other days... well... haha.
I am still thankful to have a job right now, to have AMAZING room mates, and WONDERFUL friends. When I moved to Raintree I thought I would get friends fast because I am an outgoing girl once you get to know me. That was the hardest thing, but now I have wonderful people that I am surrounded by.
The hardest thing right now is wondering the what if's, if I didn't have to gospel I believe my relationship status would be different, if I didn't have the values that I have, I would pursuing the love of my life. Speaking of the love of my life, I am so glad that we have gotten that closure. Now we can focus on getting to know each other more as friends, doing things backwards but I am so thankful for everything that has happened. I know that I will be able to look back and tell my children my story that will help their lives. Everything does happen for a reason, that reason we may not know right now, but don't forget that if you still know you can try, if you still love that person, and you are willing to work things out, never, never, NEVER give up.
I am also happy to say that I do not have anymore walls around my heart!! I am who I am and I am not going to let anyone hurt me enough for me to close off my feelings. I have many people to thank for that statement!
Now on with life, I will love like I have never loved before, live as though I have nothing to loose, and love my Lord through my actions. PEACE!

Just get back up

So a lot has happened... I am still feeling the same way, and it seems like it is only going to get harder, which means that I need to get stronger. I feel bad that I have pushed people away right now, but I feel like I need to overcome this without any outsiders giving me advice. Which is why I am writing this blog.

Tonight I had a wonderful woman, who I literally hardly know, she told me EXACTLY what I needed to hear. She was so genuine about every word that came out of her mouth. I hate having to move on from the man that I truly love, but I know that I deserve so much more out of a man. I dated a wonderful boy, an amazing boy that helped me realize what I truly want in my life. I want to date a MAN, someone who can reciprocate those precious words that I told him. Love does get you down, but you just have to get back up.

Time will only tell

I don't know what I am feeling right now. I am angry, hurt, frustrated, upset, sad, sorry, mad.... etc.. but I think you get my point. I am a girl who wanted to have some fun in my life, I was always the girl who watched my every step, who made sure everything I did was to avoid the fact of getting hurt. :( But I was sick of hiding my heart, I wanted to know what it felt like to live on the edge, to just have fun and not think, to just enjoy. Well I now realize that I made those walls for a reason, I would rather save the pain and leave the fun behind.
I was convinced to live on the edge and I was ready to try something new, to try to live on the fun side of life and leave the responsible one. I went into a relationship KNOWING that I WOULD get hurt, but I didn't care, I was sick of holding back from letting people in. But in turn, I forgot that I would rather save the pain and leave the fun life behind.
I shared many first experiences with someone I thought cared about me. Someone I thought respected me, and loved me. I was a FOOL, I didn't listen to my gut, and I have been known to live by my gut feelings. Do I regret it? If I did it would only hurt me more. Did he make me happy? He had to of to keep me around. But was I a fool.. yes because only fools let others love them and don't listen to the signs. Will I miss him? I don't want to think about that either, thinking was never good for me.
Do I have hope that I will forget this feeling and try it get hurt again, meaning that I will open my heart again... Not right now I don't. I have lost my trust in everyone again, I wrote a blog just a couple weeks ago about trust, I was willing to try trusting again, but yet again, I have been kicked in the butt as to why I don't trust anyone. I don't lean on anyone but my Heavenly Father, sure you can give me advice, and yes I might use it, but not only till I know for myself that it is the advice I trust, not the person.
Did I have fun, of course, I cannot ever forget the first man I ever kissed, the first one of many things. I just hope one day to find someone who knows how to take care of my heart. Someone who wont let me down. Then maybe I can trust again, but until now, trust is not in my vocab.
Happy News Years.... Another year being single and loving it! I am stronger on my own, I can be in control!

Christmas/Birthday/20!?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
I have learned that life is hard! haha whether it be through work, school, or relationships, it is always going to be hard no matter what. But with past experiences and loved ones at my side I have learned that you cannot change the situation no matter how much you wish you could, but you can change yourself. Only I make the decisions that lead my life on the correct path, only I know how to put my two feet forward into action. But these actions can be the hardest thing at that moment in time, I hate having to put my two feet forward sometimes. But what would a roller coaster be like if you didn't have to stand in line for an hour while the whole time you were scared.
I know that I made the correct decision to come here to this earth, I just hope that I can continue to make the correct decisions with God's help. But I am so thankful for the Holy Ghost, I secretly hate the fact that He is always correct, that He does lead me and guide me to make the right choice. I feel so content and dis-content at the same time, I want to cry a river, but I also just want to shove everything in a box and take the trash out and do nothing less with it.
I now know what it feels like to be the given the countless advice, but I now know the whole picture, feel the whole story, love the man. Anyway.. I have a lot to think about, but I also have time to think.
I am now 20! I never thought that I would make it to being this old! My brother the other day called me an 'old fart'! I have never been called that till now! Not cool if you ask me! lol I had a wonderful birthday :) Chad took me to Salt Lake to eat at Christopher's, I was so excited because I got to use my prom dress again. Then we walked around temple square and looked at the lights. He gave me my 'J' necklace at Ensign Park out looking the Salt Lake valley, which was breath taking. He also made me breakfast in bed, and bought me flowers. My family gave me a birthday dinner which was amazing! I love my family so much and am so grateful for them.
I am excited for Christmas! Time to take a break from everything, my life feels like a roller coaster and it needs to slow down so I can get off. Just glad to be home, when I go back to Provo I will have two new room mates! I pray that we will get along.
All is fair in love and war... true? :) I do know that love cannot solve everything, though I wish it could.

HUH?

Ok so here I go, I have always loved reading blogs when people really seem to open up and trust those random people that read them. I have a hard time trusting people with my feelings, with my thoughts, and letting them in. But here I go, I am going to try to get some of this out there, and hopefully it will feel nice.

I wish life could be easy.... da da da doo!! (black eyed peas song) In-fact I kept myself so far away from others in letting them in so I could try to make my life as easy as possible. But yet, humans are smart and they eventually figure you out and that I have problems just like the rest of the world. I love talking to people and helping them solve their personal dilemmas because that means that they trust me and they have something I don't, being able to open up that quickly and so well. I have yet to figure out why I can't trust and open up right up front. I don't want to blame experiences, or past events on who I am because I should be able to over come those. But I do understand that those experiences and events mold me. But why the hell can't I trust people? Is it because of him? or Her? Or both? Then it is my physical part, I hate everything about my body.. yes I said it, but you can say... what woman does love her body? I can't understand how someone can even begin to like me when I am not skinny, or have a pimple here and there. I also know that men HATE that woman think this way, but sorry... there is nothing you can do, we have to fix it ourselves, and we hate that. I always thought that if I just got one man to love me that I shouldn't have any problem with my looks because he loves me... NOPE... haha. Some just call it being lazy, others just don't understand nor do I expect them to.

I am having a harder time with my background foundation than I ever thought I would. I know how blessed I am, I know how good I have it, so why do I still find the time to see the negatives??? If you have the answer please do lighten me. I do know that because I focus my love and attention on others that I let my personal problems get pushed in the corner and they build up, pushed up to the point that I just want to block the world out but still face it with a smile. I want to be known as the girl who brings no pain but joy to others lives, the one that lightens the daily burdens. Yes... how can you help others if you can't help yourself... I get it, I have come along way, I am not as negative on myself as I used to be. I don't hide as much anymore but I don't want to be a burden, and if and when I ever talk about myself I feel guilty cause I took your time to talk.

This is a depressing blog! haha holy cow! There just have been events in my life that have made me push myself harder to be content with myself. Be the best I can, never fail at anything that I didn't have to guts to try. Love like I have never loved before, ya about that! Still trying to live on the edge, and it's a lot harder than I ever thought it would be!!! Maybe I will spill later, but I just don't want to think anymore.

Merry Christmas!!

Thanksgiving

I am sitting in my new office, waiting for it to warm up! I am freezing cold! I had a wonderful relaxing weekend, I know that I needed that time to boost up for this busy week. Finals are coming up and I am going to have to buckle down to study more, and see my boy just a little less. :(
Because I had leisure time, I had time to reflect on my life, still don't know if it is a good thing to get myself thinking. I am trying this new self therapy to be grateful for my life and my body instead of always thinking of my physical flaws.
Lets see, a year ago I was living with Shaela at Parkway in Orem, we were way close, I was still friends with many people that I don't even speak to now days. Jessica, Anthony, Brennan, Travis, Eric, Brad, those are to name a few people. I used to wonder all the time how they are doing, but now I am so happy with my life that it doesn't matter. I now understand myself more because of them, either to know how to approach a situation or how not to. All in all those are people from my past that I will never forget.
I am grateful to have Chad by my side, he is becoming my best friend, I am really starting to trust him with my life stories and ultimately letting him get to know the heart of my life. It's crazy how much we have in common, he seriously knows how to put a smile on my face. His birthday is this Thursday! I am hoping that I can make it a wonderful one, he is going to the New Moon premier with my sisters and I. :D I still am trying to figure out what he sees in me that keeps him wanting to come around more, again another therapy task haha.
Thanksgiving is around the corner and I want to tell you what I am truly grateful for. I love this holiday because I don't know how you can be negative when you think about everything life has given you. I am grateful for:
Family-
My Mother, when she walked me to kindergarten, and helped me move into my first place. Always giving me everything I need, always being the first one to apologize after a argument.
My Father, never failing to give me the exact advice that I need and always letting me know that I am his little girl.
My sister Jessica, when she wrote me a apologizing note about not going to my concert, when I hugged her for the first time in a year in half off her mission. All the bathroom moments, knowing that I am the 'prettier' sister. :)
My Brother Chad, for being the best example on being driven in education, for always being faithful to his religion and what he believes in, and for making me dinner multiple times.
My Brother Chase, for always making me laugh and dancing to the Chipmunk movies, sharing Popsicles in our younger years. For being an amazing young man who knows his standards.
My Brother Dakota, for always giving me a hug when I truly needed one. For always helping me with anything at anytime. For being the cleanest man in the shared bathroom!
My sister Jante, for making movies together, having a contagious laugh, making crafts and goodies with me. For being a beautiful daughter of God.
My Sister Makenzie, for being so smart in every task she takes upon herself, for being a guide and example to her little sister. For her braveness with all her hardships in her life, never forgetting to smile.
My Sister Megan, for all the wonderful hugs and kisses during church, sitting on my lap playing with my hair and giving butterfly kisses. For never forgetting to tell me that she loves me, and making the amazing choice to be baptized.
My Dog Sugar, yes I am grateful for my cutie pie, she has been by my side since I was eight, giving me kisses and letting me know that she loves me. Being there when I don't want to cry in front of anyone.
My Relatives, for always making me excited to see them, the hugs, support, and love.
My Good Friend Emily, for always understanding me, staying by my side through it all, screaming in my Honda, Dancing crazy in my apt. playing phase ten, and going to institute. Helping me appreciate the gospel in more depth.
My Friend Shaela, for being so good to talk to, going to dinner, jumping on the beds, making yummie meals, and sticking it out. Never failing to let people know who she is and that she loves her life.
My Room mates, for always making me laugh!!! Letting me in their lives so quickly, trusting me, and being the sisters I have always wanted! (No par intention)

My Boyfriend Chad, for pushing me to open up my thoughts, sharing my first kiss, treating me with love. Looking at me with respect and care. Always making me laugh, and always making my day more wonderful. For being the amazing, and caring man that he is, for letting me in.

My co-workers, for always giving me a big smile every work day, having wonderful conversations that help me more than they will ever know.
There are many other things that I am so grateful for, but one of the biggest ones is being apart of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It has made me who I am today, and will continue to unfold my life ahead.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Busy Week

There have been some big events happening in my life recently. I seem to smile more, look forward to waking up more, and loving life more. I have wonderful friends, family, co-workers, and now a wonderful boyfriend. Boyfriend is such a generic name, I will call him Chad haha.
My little sister, Megan, is getting baptized this Saturday, she is the youngest in our family, which means this is our last intermediate baptism. I can't tell you how much I love being around my family now. I really have grown a great appreciation for them. I also have amazing friends who have stuck by my side, you know what they say : 'high school friends are nothing compared to college friends.'
I have been having a certain thought on my mind for the past four months, I have prayed about it, asked for advice, and gotten a blessing with my question in mind. Yesterday I finally felt like that going on a mission is in my plan for this life. I was scared that learning a language would be too difficult for myself, but now I have peace knowing that anything is easy when you have the Lord on your side. I had a calling in the past to work with the disabled, and when being set apart I was blessed with the gift of tongues so I could understand those precious children of God. I have seen throughout the years that, that blessing hasn't left.
I have also experienced many new adventures in the past week, Jenny Lynn is now a 'normal person' according to Emily, which means that I have left the VL club. haha Hopefully you will hear more about my Chaddy, but as for now, peace, love, and happiness!