I haven't updated my blog in forever!! I am going to start adding more pictures because a photo says a thousand words.
I got a promotion at work! I am a sales rep for my fathers company at Ok Manufacturing and I am loving it! It is hard work but it is what I need right now. I have realized that I write a lot of sad posts, they are deep but I don't want to come off as some sob person who thinks her life is too tough. I don't believe that at all, I LOVE my life! I love all the experiences that I have been given at such a young age, I am grateful for so much! I look back a year ago..(once again) and I cannot believe the woman I have become.
We go through this life not knowing where we will end up but we all have a picture to were we would like to be. I would like to be a loving devoted wife, a good employee, my child's best friend, a loyal friend, a trusting sister, I would like to touch many lives and be touched by many. We all go through phases in our lives, right now I am a college student who tries to live the party life. In three years I hope be living the wife life, the one who bakes the pies and messes up recipes just to please her man. The woman who has the life long companion, So many experiences to come, so many that I don't have time to dwell on the negative. The negatives make us strong but only because we let it go.
I am going to let the negative go, I am going to live my life and realize that this is just another chapter to my personal fair tale. You just wait, my fairy tale is going to be magical with miracles, love, devotion, pain, but most of all it is going to be MY fairy tale and I am going to love it.

"Never let the problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved." I have always love this quote, I have preached it and I have most importantly lived it. But now that I look at my life right now and how it is playing and how it NEEDS to play out were not on the same wave length. It was almost as if I would have to go against my favorite quote to do the right thing. Seems so simple right?

I have had to see this in a different light, I am someone who HATES hurting others, especially ones that have meant the most to me in my life. I don't need to know them for years to know that they have truly made a difference in my life. But the word love speaks to me in so many different ways now. This quote forgot to mention what love really means, so many of us misinterpret the meaning of love. In school I have studied the three different levels of love, Passion love, Companionate love, and Intimacy love; but this isn't exactly in any of those categories.

We all know that love brings pain, sorrow, agony, and can bring the worst and best out of us. Love can bring joy, peace, and happiness and thats why we chose to love, we chose to take that risk factor and let someone touch our lives forever.

Right now in my life that 'love' means letting go, feeling that pain, but also bringing peace upon what NEEDS to be done. It will be hard, but the Lord has let me know that it will be worth it, at times I will be weak, but He will make me strong if I listen and follow Him. Because two people love each other, it does not mean they are meant for one another. In fact it can mean even more than that, it can mean that because one or the other knows that they aren't meant for each other, that space, time, and moving on is desperately NEEDed. So in my life I will continue to make mistakes, I will continue to learn and grow because I want my dream, I want what that promise, but it takes steps at a time.

I will not let my mind be over powered by the situation over love, but I in-turn will understand that what love will entitle, right now it is to move on. Find a new adventure and a new love, only through faith in my Savior will this be possible, but I do have FAITH.

When God speaks, it shall be done. This is a phrase that I have been pondering upon and one that I am trying to be at peace with. I know it will bring me happiness and true joy in the future, but right now it only brings pain. We can let time heal our pain, but what if you are causing pain in someone else life because of this phrase? What if they don't understand why you are taking the actions and moving on with your life? Oh how at times I wish that God could change his mind and I wish that I didn't have to move on, but I do. (Period)
I am taking time on my own to discover how happy I can be without that important thing/person in my life. I just want them to be happy as well, the hard thing is that I am one of the only happy things in their lives. :( I am trying to be strong... nothing can ever be the same, nothing will never be the same.
I don't want to be confused anymore, that is of the devil, I don't want to be a fool, and I do have to accept the facts. Judgment needs to be made in the correct aspect, Christ taught that we need to have good judgment so we can live a healthy life. I can forgive, but I cannot subject myself to what I and God know to be unhealthy for me.
I wish many others could begin to understand that beginning phrase like I am trying to understand through my actions... When God speaks, it shall be done ....

Really?

I look back and I replay everything we used to talk about and I cannot believe that it is all making sense now, sense that makes me ache inside, sense that will be forever scar'd on my life. I knew you cared, I knew you loved me so why would you do this? I never wanted to paint a bad image of you in my head but you made it so easy, you make it so easy to let go of all the good times we had.
I know that my prayers have been answered, and you are gone, goodness, I don't know how I would managed my life with you still here. You pull me in, and I am terrified of you, I don't ever want to run into your face again, I don't want to be reminded of the pain that you are bringing me right now.
Every morning I wake up and reality hits me like a lightening bolt, I realize that nothing was true, everything was a role, a play, and I don't know you. I have to wake up and go throughout the day knowing that I was deceived by someone I loved. The onion is only starting to unravel, its just the beginning to every happiness that is now replaced with agony and pain. I am so numb that the tears have stopped coming, I stare at the wall in confusion and a lost comprehension of how this happened. I know how it happened... I didn't listen, and I hope that I never forget to listen anymore.
I don't want to hate you, but I am literally terrified of you, I do not want to get that letter in the mail, I just want to forget you completely and move on with my life. I want to grab onto the Jenny that I used to be, the uplifting one, the one who always had a smile on her face. The one that loves the gospel and loves living it! I will get her back, you watch, I am strong now, you cannot touch me now.
Peace be unto thy soul.....

Every Girl Deserves ....

NCMO- Non Commitment Make Out
LOVE- A deep feeling of tenderly loving another person

You cannot have those two in the same sentence, you cannot have those two in the same passionate kiss, so why am I fooling myself?
All my life I have made sure that I knew that I deserved an amazing man that was even better then me in every aspect. One that moves me to be a better person, one that loves me and shows it. I am a die hard romantic woman, I love the flowers, the cheesy moments, the small tasks done to show someone that you truly love them. I love expressing love, I love verbalizing my love towards the people I truly care about. I do not hide my emotions when they will be accepted, I know I have so much to give my future partner.
I am done mixing those two phrases together and fooling myself. I am not in love, and I don't love anyone like I used to love. I cannot wait to fall back into love because it is one of the most wonderful feeling in the world, it drives you insane, but keeps you excited for the next event that will happen.
If someone is not willing to let me know how they are truly feeling, they can expect to lose me because I don't wait around anymore. I have a life to live and I am going to find someone who wants to live it with me!! I love the gospel, it is engraved into my every action, thought, and words.. (at least I hope :) ) So I am going to save thoughs cherished moments for him, the moments when you don't want to be with anyone but him, when he is the only one that knows your every move, the one who can make you laugh so hard that you cry, and because that man is worth waiting for.
Yes I am cheesy, yes I don't care, and yes... I am on a boy boycott waiting for YOU!! :D

Happiness Does Come Back

UPDATE!! I am currently in school still, going to get my associates this year! YAY! I wish I could just go straight to my bachelors but I also know that I want to leave on a mission with a fresh cut, not having to worry about credits and what not. I have thought a lot about my mission, I feel like sometimes I have been using it as an excuse for my relationships. I know that I still would love to go and when the day comes and I don't have a man by my side, I will serve the Lord. I do not want to loose out on opportunities because I am trying to focus on a mission.
A lot of crying has happened the past week or so, but I am glad to say that I have stopped the crying! I am very happy that I made many personal decisions in the past so I already know what to do now. A mission has a lot to do with that, a have learned that the foundations of a family are incredibly important, I will not enter a marriage with out a good background on both of our parts. I have learned that love makes you do things you never thought you would, some days I love it, other days... well... haha.
I am still thankful to have a job right now, to have AMAZING room mates, and WONDERFUL friends. When I moved to Raintree I thought I would get friends fast because I am an outgoing girl once you get to know me. That was the hardest thing, but now I have wonderful people that I am surrounded by.
The hardest thing right now is wondering the what if's, if I didn't have to gospel I believe my relationship status would be different, if I didn't have the values that I have, I would pursuing the love of my life. Speaking of the love of my life, I am so glad that we have gotten that closure. Now we can focus on getting to know each other more as friends, doing things backwards but I am so thankful for everything that has happened. I know that I will be able to look back and tell my children my story that will help their lives. Everything does happen for a reason, that reason we may not know right now, but don't forget that if you still know you can try, if you still love that person, and you are willing to work things out, never, never, NEVER give up.
I am also happy to say that I do not have anymore walls around my heart!! I am who I am and I am not going to let anyone hurt me enough for me to close off my feelings. I have many people to thank for that statement!
Now on with life, I will love like I have never loved before, live as though I have nothing to loose, and love my Lord through my actions. PEACE!

Just get back up

So a lot has happened... I am still feeling the same way, and it seems like it is only going to get harder, which means that I need to get stronger. I feel bad that I have pushed people away right now, but I feel like I need to overcome this without any outsiders giving me advice. Which is why I am writing this blog.

Tonight I had a wonderful woman, who I literally hardly know, she told me EXACTLY what I needed to hear. She was so genuine about every word that came out of her mouth. I hate having to move on from the man that I truly love, but I know that I deserve so much more out of a man. I dated a wonderful boy, an amazing boy that helped me realize what I truly want in my life. I want to date a MAN, someone who can reciprocate those precious words that I told him. Love does get you down, but you just have to get back up.